The Check is in the Mail

Sadly my aunt in Chicago died from lung cancer last year preceded in death by her husband who also died from lung cancer. She was my father's only sibling, my dad died in August 1986 at age 65 from lung cancer. They were both smokers so there is something for you to think about.


My aunt and her husband did not have any children. My sisters and I and some nieces and/or nephews on my uncle's side are the only survivors. My aunt died intestate so her estate is being handled by an attorney and the head of the homeowner's association of the building where my aunt lived. The attorney said we have to wait 6 months for the probate proceedings and then the funds, minus Gerta's share and any funeral expenses, etc, will be split equally three ways between me and my sisters.


Sadly my one sister is a space case. Nearly everyone who meets her knows that, most everyone in the family, cousins, aunts and uncles knows that as well. My other sister who has been in therapy for years imho without improvement in her psyche is therefore self-righteous and all-knowing. She SRAK(self-righteous all-knowing) is gullible enough however to be manipulated by her cabinet-making-business-owner husband. Me... I try to believe in the goodness of everyone which has caused me to be shat upon by Cub Scout leaders and family (specifically SRAK and her husband and I guess by default, SC as well).


When my/our mother died she left perhaps $10K in a joint account for SC; her condo which was in a crummy retirement village in West Palm Beach (Golden Lakes), FL; a $4K insurance policy for SRAK and whatever was left in a joint account (me and SRAK). I paid the bills from the me/SRAK account, perhaps not as best as I could. I had asked for donations from SRAK and SC for upkeep on the condo but nothing came through.


Through no effort of the cousin who was put in charge of selling the condo, a buyer was found. In the year the condo lay empty the housing market crashed and foreclosures started to rise. We were offered $45K for the condo. SRAK and her CMBOH (cabinet making business owner husband) flew to Florida and secured an attorney and through CMBOH's extensive (insert sarcasm here) knowledge brought back a contract of sale. Simple sale, no negotiations, SRAK was seething eager to get her way saying 'we can be sued if we don't sign the papers'. I don't know if that was true or not. 


The sale went through and with SRAK in charge, nearly everyone received in semi-accordance of my mother's will. My cousin in FL and GA did not receive what my mother instructed. SRAK took without a receipt for proof $750 from the proceeds of the sale thereby reducing the amounts to SC and me by $250. Wow, right, well yes, when the total we received was possibly just over $4K after each of the grandchildren received $3K as instructed by mother's will. I am confounded as to why SRAK followed those instructions but not for my cousins... Perhaps her greed... I don't know.

Well the sale took place in July; in September I had to request the $3K check for my son and by November I had not received my portion. Four months after the sale... don't know what was going on in her head and she called me a thief.... oh right, and a cunt, in public, on her untaxed porch. Self-righteous indeed...

Dear Diary

I remember when I was a young 12 year old girl how I had a diary. It was something that you did back then. Mine had a gorgeous emerald green alligator-type cover and a lock on the cover. It made a reassuring 'click' when locked and I felt comfort knowing that my words were safe.

I wish I could be that naieve now. Forty and a few years later I long for that security. For the simple times of confessing only to ink and paper that I cheated on the math test (because I was so fearful of failing it) or how I wish Craig would look at me and really see me...

I learned soon after writing in my book that nothing is sacred. Mothers and sisters are vultures waiting for the sick and dying to let their eyes glaze over for a moment and then swoop in for the kill. I don't know who opened my diary, who read the words meant only for my eyes and heart.

Although I loved my mother as I was supposed to I don't think she loved me back or loved me as much as I needed then. I know she read my book and I know she could not understand how easily I had put my emotions out.

I have a small collection of blank lined books purchased through the years. I thought I would write down my musings, my feelings give me somewhere to share without being heard.

Here is the irony...I'm not concerned about writing on the Internet. Or having a stranger or two skim through here. I guess that's why I've written it. I find comfort in the anonimity in the sea of words who could find mine?

I feel safe here and amazingly peaceful. Perhaps I'll write again.

I'd rather trust a man who works with his hands...

I, like Rael (The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway), trust people who have done the work. I am amused when I am given direction by someone not at all acquainted with the task. Ah... that's what bosses are for, right?

"Don't need any shield, when you're out in the field..."

Since Saturday I had been promising to thatch the front yard. It sounded simple enough and it would beautify the property and win me points with the husband. Today Emil dragged out the Toro with the thatching blade but it unfortunately only chewed up the lawn. Thank goodness for The Home Depot Tool Rentals. For just over $50.00 we had an honest-to-God Honda thatcher for four hours. Emil pushed that monster around and I raked up the thatch into neat piles around the lawn. It looked like we were going to make hay bales - I was astounded at what came up from the lawn.

Cam used the broadcast spreader and put down weed 'n feed. I like the chemically smell of the fertilizer; it makes me think of lush lawns and thick grass. I hope after all the work we did today the grass will be better than last year.

Hey...

Happy New Year! Yea, I know its the 10th but what the heck, we've never met before. So Happy New Year.

Washing away (wishing away) 2009 and the corresponding parts we didn't like is our mission for this year, right?

I am refusing to be drawn into the dirt, into cat fights, into all that irks me and makes my chest hurt. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint nor am I pompous (honestly, I'm not) I am truly and honestly trying to take the high road this year.

Live and let live; absorbing the words of His Holiness the Dalai Lama "With genuine love and compassion, another person's appearance or behavior has no affect on your attitude."

How have you started your new year?

Peace and Love~