Dear Diary

I remember when I was a young 12 year old girl how I had a diary. It was something that you did back then. Mine had a gorgeous emerald green alligator-type cover and a lock on the cover. It made a reassuring 'click' when locked and I felt comfort knowing that my words were safe.

I wish I could be that naieve now. Forty and a few years later I long for that security. For the simple times of confessing only to ink and paper that I cheated on the math test (because I was so fearful of failing it) or how I wish Craig would look at me and really see me...

I learned soon after writing in my book that nothing is sacred. Mothers and sisters are vultures waiting for the sick and dying to let their eyes glaze over for a moment and then swoop in for the kill. I don't know who opened my diary, who read the words meant only for my eyes and heart.

Although I loved my mother as I was supposed to I don't think she loved me back or loved me as much as I needed then. I know she read my book and I know she could not understand how easily I had put my emotions out.

I have a small collection of blank lined books purchased through the years. I thought I would write down my musings, my feelings give me somewhere to share without being heard.

Here is the irony...I'm not concerned about writing on the Internet. Or having a stranger or two skim through here. I guess that's why I've written it. I find comfort in the anonimity in the sea of words who could find mine?

I feel safe here and amazingly peaceful. Perhaps I'll write again.

I'd rather trust a man who works with his hands...

I, like Rael (The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway), trust people who have done the work. I am amused when I am given direction by someone not at all acquainted with the task. Ah... that's what bosses are for, right?

"Don't need any shield, when you're out in the field..."

Since Saturday I had been promising to thatch the front yard. It sounded simple enough and it would beautify the property and win me points with the husband. Today Emil dragged out the Toro with the thatching blade but it unfortunately only chewed up the lawn. Thank goodness for The Home Depot Tool Rentals. For just over $50.00 we had an honest-to-God Honda thatcher for four hours. Emil pushed that monster around and I raked up the thatch into neat piles around the lawn. It looked like we were going to make hay bales - I was astounded at what came up from the lawn.

Cam used the broadcast spreader and put down weed 'n feed. I like the chemically smell of the fertilizer; it makes me think of lush lawns and thick grass. I hope after all the work we did today the grass will be better than last year.

Hey...

Happy New Year! Yea, I know its the 10th but what the heck, we've never met before. So Happy New Year.

Washing away (wishing away) 2009 and the corresponding parts we didn't like is our mission for this year, right?

I am refusing to be drawn into the dirt, into cat fights, into all that irks me and makes my chest hurt. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint nor am I pompous (honestly, I'm not) I am truly and honestly trying to take the high road this year.

Live and let live; absorbing the words of His Holiness the Dalai Lama "With genuine love and compassion, another person's appearance or behavior has no affect on your attitude."

How have you started your new year?

Peace and Love~